Veni, Vidi, Ventus --
The randomly chaotic and crafty scribblings of a deranged, wannabe artist allowed too many colours in her Crayon box.

Surgeon General's Warning: Some content of "From Pooka's Crayon" may not be suitable for: work, blue-haired little old ladies, the politically-correct, rabid moonbats, uptight mothers, priests, chronic idiots, insurance claims agents, Democrats, children, small furry quadropeds from Alpha Centauri, or your sanity.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

I play video games so I can AVOID people

This post may not be safe for your children, your mother, little blue-haired ladies, your boss or any cow-orkers, or anyone easily offended by open and blatantly vicious hostility.

Yes, I'm even going to cut this one. You have been warned.

A Modest Treatise on Human Behaviour, or: I play video games so I can AVOID people!!


Scenario: RPG game, open server, involves people. Mistake 1. I play video games to avoid dealing with people, who are on the whole angst-ridden soap opera sheep who'd rather type with one hand than do something like, oh, ACTUALLY PLAY THE FUCKING GAME.

Personality A: Pervatronic Cockmaster, ie, the Pussy Hopper. When you have a very single 36 year old geek who's only idea of a date is getting his hand drunk and then having to sneak up on it to masturbate because otherwise it would flee in terror from the slime dripping from him, who is such an absolute fucking cock that you could suck his forehead and he'd jizz out of the top of his head, that suddenly is given a position of power within a game, you might as well just write off any intellectual attempts at RP if you aren't willing to break out the kneepads and mouthwash and honey there isn't enough fucking bleach in the world to handle a stain like that. Ew. His entire attention span is focused on the newest and latest set of boobs to bound across his screen, thereby removing any and all interaction with the last set of breasts, particularly if she refuses to play along with his attempts to perfect the One Handed Method of Typing.

If he tells you the truth about anything, you'd never know it because by the time you figure out just how revoltingly slimy he is, you've been lied to so many times that you'd have to go outside and check the condition of the weather yourself to be able to believe it. An ego that the Great Wall of China couldn't contain, the entire world (or at least the server) MUST revolve around him, or he degenerates rapidly into ....

Personality B: The Drama Queen. (What's worse is that Personality A is also a B, and there are few things more abhorrent in this world than a degenerate slimeball who apparently at some point in his pathetic little life had aspirations of staring in the worst-written soap operas on TV, failed, and decided that he would turn the server into his own As NWN Turns.) "WHAT? I'm not the center of attention?? Someone else does something better than me? Someone else gets recognition? This cannot be!"

You start to roll your eyes when Pansie, UberQueen of Vanity, minces into a scene and promptly must throw everyone nearby into the center of his/her latest ill-contrived desperate plea for attention. Then you consider rolling their eyes, after carefully plucking them right out of their fucking skull with a spork. Then you just want to pluck your own eyes out so you don't have to see the further bullshit going on around you.

Personality C: The Psycho Hose Beast. Married, with children. Part of a long family tradition of anti-psychotic medication which they frequently neglect to take, thus resulting in some of the most Oscar winning (and ultimately WTF? mindless) performances to date. Cybers like a rabbit on speed, even so far as to take it out of game and into webcam arena -- while forbidding spouse to have any contact whatsoever with the opposite sex without spawning yet another Psycho Moment.

Anything you say can and will be used against you. Anything you do NOT say can and will be used against you. Anything they mystically perceive that you might be THINKING can and will be used against you. Just accept it, deal with, and pray that someone finds a way to write a killfile into the fucking game.

Personality D: Mr Absentee Ballot. Favourite phrase: AFK.

"Hey, let's go do this!" Great. Fabulous. Off we go on a ... AFK. Right. So, we'll just sit and watch all the spells and buffs expire, while we're in the middle of OH SHIT NOT ANOTHER FREAKIN CAVE TROLL ATTACK. "Did I miss anything?" Hey, fucking brain trust, do all of the corpses of the party you abandoned YET AGAIN tell you anything? No, probably not.

Loves to utter his signature phrase in the worst possible places. Spends so much time AFK you wonder why they fucking bother to sign on at all. The entirety of your playing session consists of maybe 20% action or RP, and 80% of Hurry Up and Wait.

Personality E: Captain Ooopsie. Fireball miss its mark? Again? For the fifth time? Bigby's Hand ... on a fellow party member instead of the nasty bad guy attacking? The Balor summoned without a Protection from Evil which is thus totally uncontrolled and hostile to everyone INCLUDING the caster? Chain lightning that zaps half the party? The SECOND chain lightning that gets the ones the first one missed?

A sure sign Captain Ooopsie has been there. That, or all the corpses of his friends that he leaves smouldering in his wake.

Personality F: Whiny Bitch, with a side of My Dick's Bigger than Yours. So's his mouth. Unfortunately, not his skill. Confrontational aggressive asshole with a big side order of Can't Follow Through and runs like a chickenshit coward when called on his bullshit. Always starts shit he's never about to finish. Prefers to pick on people he knows he can beat, and picks on those that are far more powerful ONLY in places where PvP is impossible and you can't turn the fucktard into a nice cock-shaped soot mark on the wall.

When you do finally catch Whiny Bitch in a PvP zone with a Put up or Shut up, he invariably loses, cries foul, degenerates into language his mother would slap him for if she walked into the room and caught him on the computer after his bedtime, screams that he'll have you banned for nuking him in a fight HE started, runs crying to the DMs that you're just a big poopy head, has NO concept of IC/OOC separation and thus harasses you the moment you sign on in private messages, calling you names and once again opening his fat fucking mouth because he's SO superior to you because he can get away with it in PMs because he's too far away for you to pour him a nice steaming mug of Shut the Fuck Up.

Personality G: Lonely Heart Club. Often has a smattering of Personality A, the Pervo. Will, within five minutes of meeting your character, declare undying love for said character. Within ten minutes, has shifted OOC to hurl himself bodily at your feet and grovel to be the sole object of your affection. BTW, Lonely Heart is married, and instead of logging out of the fucking game and turning off the computer to go fuck his wife who is probably wondering why she married the SOB in the first place, chooses to sex up his best friend in the world (his hand) while trying to get every single character that he has and every single character that you have together into eternal matrimony.

Avoid at all costs, as Lonely Heart turns into Obsessive Stalker and will pitifully leap to hump your leg the second you make the mistake of logging in. Also checks his buddy list frequently to see if you are logged on. Freaks out when you don't log in with a character connected to his, and immediately tries to attach himself to the next one.

Personality H: The Thieving Groupie. Fixates on a particular character, and emulates them to every degree possible. Got a neat story? Too bad, the Groupie will immediately glomp onto it and use it for themselves. Neat armour? The Groupie must have it. And will. A certain style of playing, or particular skills? Never fear, upon spotting them, the Groupie will immediately do everything in their power to make sure they have them too. Nothing is sacred, nothing is safe. The Groupie also glomps onto your RP partners, for if they are going to be YOU, they must also have EVERYTHING that you have and thus embark on their complete conquest by coming up with anything they possibly can to steal your partner away.

Personality I: Lying Cheating Whore. Goes very well with Personality A, as they fucking deserve each other. Will deliberately lie to players -- not characters, PLAYERS -- in order to make sure that they have every dick nearby, and still get away with it. This includes the dick/s they are currently chasing. Manages to run off good players on a regular basis once the lies are discovered. Character married? No big deal to the Whore. Why, she was even married .... the entire time she was chasing not only two single characters, but trying to steal the very married husband of her "best friend." Kills off said husband (who never existed on the server but only serves as a pity ploy to capture more dick) just to go for the few remaining men she hasn't managed to fuck.

Is also married behind the keyboard, to a man who is also online and in the game, but rarely if ever plays the character supposedly married to his because she'd far rather go play the Whore and continue to manipulate cock.


As those of you who are still with me have probably figured out, I can fill the entire fucking alphabet.

Any resembles of prior personalities to real people is absofuckinlutely intentional. None of the above personalities are made up in any way, much to my eternal dismay. Every one of these complete fucktards is completely real, and in truth worse than I've described.

Now ... really. Are there ANY QUESTIONS as to why I prefer solo RPGs?

I didn't think so.

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