Murphy. Pooka Murphy

Thing 2 is an 11-year-old today.

An 11 with a broken arm. Which she broke last night. Yep, day before her birthday, kid falls while playing in a monster leaf pile and breaks her friggin arm.

This is the most stoic kid in the world, though. Thing 2 handles pain pretty darn well, and DG said she was a really big girl about it in the ER, (cough) ESPECIALLY once they got her all doped up on Lortab.

When she came in, she was holding it and complaining a little about it hurting, but she never really complains much about pain. I had her put ice on it, take a Motrin, and just try to sit for a while. When an hour or two later, she was STILL complaining, and it was nearing bedtime ... Took a look, it was starting to swell up, and changing colour a little.

Right. I sent em to the ER, while Amyrantha and I sat here and fretted a bit and worked on getting pages cut for her to be making new journals. And of course, we get the news I was expecting.

Of course, with the new insurance, the ER's referral isn't good enough. Now she has to see her own doctor BEFORE we can take her to the orthopedic to get it properly set. For now, she's just in a plaster splint.

Way to spend her birthday, lemme tell ya. Oy. We did keep her home from school today, though. I guess that's something.

And Amyrantha and the DaddyGod BOTH leave today, leaving me alone with a kid with a broken arm for her birthday. This means I am going to be called on for some major distraction and entertainment to keep her happy. She was already mad at DG leaving -- the Yarn Queen leaving too ... hoo boy. Hee.

Poor kid.

I'm not THAT old ... am I?

Thing 1, the eldest daughter, started HIGH SCHOOL today.

There are no words

Vengeance is MINE, sayeth the Things

White as far as the eyes can see out my front door. It's not just snow, it's sleet, too. And lots of it. And it's freakin COLD out there. 27*.

School is, of course, closed. The Things were positively SMUG about the whole thing.

I guess it explains why I was in so much pain that I still haven't been to bed yet. Though at least I've been productive. I've got a canvas prepped, the rim spackled for texture and the first coat of colour on it, and some of the collage elements figured out.

Edit: Got the collage piece done, if only I could figure out how to get pics from my cell phone to my email ... oy. Decoupage is my friend. I'd forgotten the smell of Mod Podge, brings back a whole lot of memories.

... You can tune a piano ....

So, interesting.

I just heard Jethro Tull's "Bouree" coming from Thing 1's bedroom. Shiny. Good taste, that kid ... wait.

There's no other background music. Just the flute.

And then it hits me.

It's Thing 1.

I check. Sure enough, it's Thing 1, doing a reasonable enough Ian Anderson impression that from this distance, I didn't know it wasn't Tull at first.

She doesn't have the music. She's playing by ear.

Damn.

Oh, my lovely Hobbit lass, I wish you were closer to give her more music lessons.

Death by Furby

T2: (grim-faced) Mommy, that does it. I have bad news. The world is going to come to an end.
Me: (concerned) Oh? Now what?
T2: Furbies ... are BACK. That does it. Get the torches and pitchforks. EVIL, I tell you, EVIL!

But wait, there's more.

The far more ominous one with the Daddygod went as follows:

T2: Daddy, Furbys are back!
DG: Back?
T2: Yes, back, but this time they talk, and walk, and...KILL!
DG: They kill?
T2: Yes, they are the embodiment of evil. Now I have...MINIONS!
T2 meanders out the door mumbling to herself: Well, minions unless they rampage, then I'd have to put them down.

Why Parents go Grey

T2: Daddy, do you want a state?
DG: Say what?
T2: Do you want a state?
DG: What kind of state?
T2: When I take over the world. Do you want a state, or would you prefer a country, or a planet?
DG: Well, if you take over the world, that's only one planet, so I can't have one of my own.
T2: Well, I'm not stopping there, I'm planning on taking over the entire Milky Way.

She has a notebook, wherein three full pages are dedicated to who gets what portion of the planet when Little Miss Empress takes it over. She hasn't quite started on the rest of the solar system yet.

T2: Mama, you want a state?
Me: A STATE? That's all I get, a lousy state? You offered DADDY that much.
T2: (snorts, sounding SO like me) You get more than him, cuz you're better, Mama.

I held out for several countries, including joint rule of a few, and collected several states in the process.

---

Found in 8 year-old Thing 2's schoolwork (posted verbatim, spelling and all).

"We are learning about bugs. So Mrs. Wagner (ed. note: her teacher) brot a bee. It was died so we did not worie. It started to rain wene a strok of lightening and the bee was alive. We were scared, so Mrs. Wagner killed the bee so we did not worie aney more."

Apparently zombie thoughts begin early around our house.

So do thoughts of taking over the world and acquiring minions.

"One day a bunny named Mr. Bunbuns lived in a forest he wanted to tak over the world becuse they made Mr. Bunbuns mad so he need some help. So he hoped around to look for help. He sees some friends and they sadly say yes to help take over the world. Mr. Bunbuns made the friends minions to take over the world. And the world came to an end. Becuse he take over the world."

---

Another one during "family time".

DG: (as an aside) Pooks, watch this.
DG: Hey T1, get out of our room now, mommy and daddy want to have sex.
T1: AAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH! Nasty! That's just gross!
Me: Gee T1, how do you think you were made?
T2: Huh? You mean you guys humped or something to make her?
DG and Me: ::thud, laughing like idiots::

Critter Patrol

"Mama, Mama, you gotta come look, we've got an armadillo in the yard!"

Thing 1 and I look at each other in disbelief. Yeah, right.

"No, really, Mama, you gotta come see it!"

Sure enough, not only has Thing 2 spotted, but correctly identified an armadillo, having never seen a real one. A big one. A HUGE armadillo, and one that has in the space of about 24 hours, torn up a large portion of our backyard.

Awfully cute, really, for an armadillo, but that destructive little critter has got to go!

Our neighbor said she saw one about 6 months ago, but hasn't had a problem. Her yard looks perfect. Ours looks like a mortar range now. She suggested calling Animal Control to get a trap to remove him to somewhere a little more appropriate. I think we're going to do this. We've got enough erosion problems as it is without this little guy helping the damage along.

Probably could have just picked him up and moved him ourselves if we'd had gloves. He wasn't the slightest bit afraid of us, and I swear to God he SHRUGGED at me. The critter looked up from his hole at us, wrinkled his little face, twitched his ears, SHRUGGED, and went right back to digging.

A day in the life, man.

PTA or PITA?

Two acronyms that should *never* be used together:

PTA and RSD. Man, I'm flared up.

Can you just picture DG and I surrounded by PTA moms? Stop laughing. No, I mean it. Stop laughing.

Yes, we just endured a PTA meeting for the sake of Thing 2 and a school full of kindergartners that pranced up on stage and sang at us. Loudly. Enthusiastically.

From "Six Little Ducks" all the way through "You're a Grand Old Flag," some forty or so 6 year olds up in front of a full crowd for the very first time. And they did it very, very well.

And I must say that I have never in my life seen such a collection of certified card-carrying pasty-faced, four-eyed, plastic pocket protectored pencil-necked geeks outside of a Star Trek convention. You just know every one of those dads are bringing in more figures than a Playboy convention. White collar bastards. ;)

Unfortunately, they all think their children are exempt from things like manners.

I'm ... just going to leave it right there without another word. Otherwise, I might just go off in a rant and offend some sensitive goober who feels their little darling shouldn't have to wait for someone to move, that they have every right to push and shove at both adults and children alike, and that their openly kicking an adult in their way is just a cheerful display of spirit and individuality.

And for that sensitive goober, I have two important words that I'm sure will play an important role in their little darling's future: Death Penalty.

Never wanted a taser so bad in my life.

Let me clarify a bit here. Now I'm all for letting kids be kids. They're going to run and scream and play and have fun, it's what kids should be doing. It should NOT, however, be at the expense of anyone else, and should not endanger anyone else.

The child who kicked my cane because it was in his way did so with his parent sitting less than three feet away, watching him the entire time. Daddy saw me stumble when my support wasn't there. Neither child nor parent said a word about it.

The other little heathens that shoved and pushed through on the other side of me all but finished me off. Score one, and only one, for being as heavy as I am.

Isolated incidents? Not a chance. Even sitting down, I wasn't safe. No one else in the auditorium was either. I can't even try to imagine what these kids are like at home.

My children aren't angels, and I'll be the first to admit it. The Things, however, didn't push, or run and scream inside, said "Excuse me" when they needed to and hushed up when the program began.

Parents, if you're going to complain about the problems in the world, make sure you aren't part of them.

How many parents do you know of that have to stop and shout:

"No bloodletting, decapitations or other bodily dismemberments at the dinner table! I mean it!"

... and they aren't talking about what is being done to the food?

Santa Thing

Thing 2: (rushes out into the living room with the exaggerated arm-pumping) "Gotta drink more CoRed! Gotta keep up my emergies! Can't let my emergies stop!"

(repeats rushing and exits, stage right)

Thing 2: (from other room) "What?!? Don't make me kick your rear!"

Me: (thankful she at least didn't say 'ass' this time)

Thing 2: "Ho ho ho, now shut up! I gotta put THESE over HERE. Move it, people!"

(loud crashing noise)

Thing 2: "I didn't do it!"

This is going to be a very long day.

COW-umbas Day

Thing 2: "Do you know what howiday it is, Mommy?"

Me: "uh."

Thing 2: "It's COWUMBUS Day, Mommy, and I got to make one of his ships!"

Me: "Did you make any of the Indians that got massacred because of his discovery?"

Thing 2: "No, Mommy, I wan out of time."


...She ran out of time.

And it's not even halfway through the school year yet.

--

Thing 2: (dramatic sigh) "Hi Mama. Apparently I'm naked."

(minute later, naked Thing runs into living room)

Thing 2: "Whoa, this is scaring me!"

She's holding up two matching pairs of underwear.

Me: "Your panties are scaring you?"

Thing 2: "YES, cuz they're the same! Oh. My. GOD! I don't believe it!"

Indeed.

What Thing 2 has learned at school:

"I pledge allegiance,
To the Texas flag.
Under God,
I am invisible."

Thing 2 Rides Again

Thing 2: "Right here, this is where my heart is. I have to keep track of it, you know?"

Me: "Why, does it wander off if you stop?"

Thing 2: "Yes. Yes it does. And sometimes it even goes up into my NECK! For Real!"

Me: "Well, if it goes to your foot, let me know and we'll amputate."

Thing 2: "Mo-THER. (scoff) Now you're just being SILLY."

--

Overheards ...

"If you don't stop that RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I will kill myself!"

"Jesus H Keeee-rist!"

"Kids, don't do this at home!"

"OOoo, dang, I wish I'd never done this before."

"Help me, help me! No, I can't, I'm too scared."

"I hope that spider eats you."

"No, wait! Don't tell me, I'm going to fall!"

"Um. Nothing broke!"

Petrified!

Thing 2: "Yes. No. Yes, yes, No. NO! No no no no no. Yes. Yes. No. Yes, no, no, yes, no, yes."

(This is all right in my ear.)

Thing 2: "Yes, no. Dammit. No. Yes yes NO NO NO! Yes. No. No. No. No. Yes. No. No. No."

(five minutes later, still ...)

Thing 2: "Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No no no no no. No. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la TADA!"

(waves a Lego wand at me)

Thing 2: "Petrificus totalis!"

(stares at me)

Thing 2: "No. No. No. Yes ... no. No no yes no. No."

Summer vexation is arrived.

Animal Safari

Aaaaaaaaaand another Animal Safari break.

Had to go out and catch toads for the Things.

Thing 2: "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom mom mom mom MOM! There's something hopping outside the window and I think it's a FROG!"

Thing 1: "Mom, mom, can we go look? Mom, it IS a frog! Mooooom ..."

Yeah, yeah, okay. Pooka the Beast Catcher is on duty.

No, we are not keeping him. We're going to look at him, pet him, and leave him outside to catch bugs.

Thing 1: "Wow, will he eat the bees?"

Thing 2: "Aw, but it so precious, Mommy. Can I keep it? Will it eat my sister?"

Thing 1: "MOOOOOM!"

Words fail me

Thing 2: "You better put Super Me on that bag, Kaiwey."

Me: "Are you Super?"

Thing 2: "Yes! Because I kick butt!"

Thing 1: "And I'm her sidekick, the smart one!"

--

Thing 1: "Heather's trying to suck my blood!"

Ahem. They're SUPPOSED to be cleaning their room.

I guess I should know better than to expect any work to be done after dark.

Children of the night ... SHUT UP!

Save. Me. Please.

Thing 1: "Heather's got a boyfriend, Heather's got a boyfriend."

Me: "Oh? Is he the same one she was calling an 'asshole' yesterday?"

Thing 1: "Marshall? Yeah. Heather's got a boyfriend, Heather's got a ...."

Thing 2: "You shut up, jackass!"



Dear God, give me strength.

But this one goes to 11

Thing 2: (checks watch) "Wow. Two minutes. That's good."

Me: "What's two minutes?"

Thing 2: (shuffling) "Um. But it goes to eleven."

--

I *think* Thing 1 is trying to play air guitar to Metallica.

I'm not entirely sure. Maybe she's just having a seizure.

Cabin Fever

Thing 2 has been repeating "Hokey Pokey" over and over and over and over with no other words for the last half hour solid. Try to imagine this in your head, in total monotone, with no pause for breathing.

Thing 1 is screaming like someone stabbed her in the foot and pulling her hair and throwing paper because her sister won't shut up to let her do homework. Had Thing 1 come home and done her homework instead of running off for "rehearsal" for the talent show that I was basically told I couldn't attend (ahem), this wouldn't be a problem. Now it's after her bedtime, and she's still screwing around AND fighting with her sister.

DG won't stop screaming at the kids for not shutting up, but otherwise goes right back to his game without actually doing anything other than screaming.

Me, I'm looking up plane flights outta here.

Is this what you call Cabin Fever?

Wonder Fiend Powers, Activate!

Thing 1: "Mom, when she goes to school next year, will I have to walk her across the street to kindergarten?"

Me: (brushing Thing 2's hair) "Well, Daddy will probably help walk her over at first, but yes, you'll be walking together."

Thing 2: (turning in mid-brush) "I don't HAVE to go to school. Not with HER."

Me: (sigh, here we go again) "But honey, you need to go to school to learn so you *can* take over the world."

Thing 2: (sighs, rolls eyes at me) "Duh, MOM, I have SPELLS that will do that for me!"

---

Thing 2: "Aha, I was co-rrect!"

Me: "You're a fiend."

Thing 2: "I am a co-rrect fiend!" (squinty evil eyes) "Cuz I am SMART!"